Argento’s Dracula 3D opens Friday, October 4th in LA at The Independent and in New York at the IFC Center. It is also available everywhere as a VOD title.
Gothic melodrama is a tough style of storytelling to pull off. It’s naturally exaggerated and angst-ridden, more so than your typical tragedy. This can often lead to inadvertent chuckles, particularly when the actors are directed to perform in a deadly serious manner without any relief. It really takes a subtle touch to hit the right tone. Unfortunately, there’s nothing remotely subtle about the latest film from horror maestro Dario Argento, which is now being released to North American audiences under the moniker Argento’s Dracula 3D. Over-the-top in almost every conceivable way, it isn’t remotely frightening, but it is most definitely a howler.
This adaptation is set exclusively in Transylvania, circa 1893. Newlywed Jonathan Harker (Unax Ugalde) arrives in the small village, where his friend Lucy (Asia Argento) has secured him the position of librarian for the mysterious Count Dracula (Thomas Kretschmann). It isn’t long after Harker arrives that he’s propositioned by Count’s brides and also suspects that his employer may have ulterior motives. And he’s right, since Dracula believes that Harker’s bride Mina (Marta Gastini) is the reincarnation of his dead wife. The Count quickly incapacitates the librarian and simply awaits the arrival of Mina (he’s a lazy Dracula who can’t be bothered to stray too far from the village). Thankfully, bloodsucker killer Abraham Van Helsing (Rutger Hauer) arrives shortly after Mina to try and save her from eternal damnation.
As always, the director has cast very beautiful people in the title roles, perhaps too much so. Somehow, they have the appearance of spacey fashion models who have just stepped off of a runway and thrown a period wig on. The strangeness is further exacerbated by the odd acting. There’s a lot of very obvious dialogue rerecording resulting in bizarre line delivery, awkward pauses and confused expressions than even the director’s most ardent fans will have trouble accepting. And the cliché ridden dialogue doesn’t help either. Just one example comes early, when loud footsteps are heard outside a barn with a couple in flagrante delicto. The male bluntly states that, “…it’s just the wind.” Wind that sounds like footsteps? The only actor to come off unscathed is Hauer – his even-keeled performance looks like under-acting compared to the varied histrionics around him.
There are also some unfathomable and jarring choices that result in more accidental yuks. In this version, Dracula changes his form not only to the expected wolf, but also to the increasingly odd owl and even a swarm of flies (he actually seems to turn into everything except a bat). Then, literally out of nowhere and for no discernable reason, the villain appears as an eight foot tall preying mantis. It’s literally one of the biggest “Huh?” moments in recent cinema history. The musical choices present further problems. A blaring Theremin is used so frequently throughout the score that viewers will be expecting an Martian saucer to land on the castle grounds at any moment (which wouldn’t be much of a shock after the mantis shenanigans).
At least the film looks good. As mentioned, the leads are attractive and Argento has no qualms about thrusting breasts, butts and blood out of the screen at every opportunity. The locations are pretty and the 3D compositions are decent. There are some nifty angles, including an impressive shot looking up out from within a cemetery. While the murder set pieces are brief and don’t come close to approaching the director’s finest, there are a few darkly humorous and exaggerated kills. Viewers will see a couple of impalements, decapitations and a slow-motion bullet gag (that clearly borrows a device from an earlier Argento movie, but at least an effort is being put forth).
Many Argento fans will likely be furious at this latest misstep. Admittedly, Argento’s Dracula 3D is pretty terrible and ranks alongside the director’s lowest tier efforts. Yet the absurdity and ridiculousness on display is strangely endearing and never boring. It’s not mean spirited or nasty and it’s consistently, if unintentionally, hilarious. This is a cheesy, outrageously campy midnight movie of the highest order. If one can amass a right group of friends to gawk at this display, they’re certain to have a hysterically unique experience.