There are few truths in this world. That’s a fact.
Water is wet in it’s liquid form. The world is round-ish. Birds are stupid. All true yet none ring more objective than these two factoids:
- Hollywood Loves remakes/reboot/do-overs with a capital L. Why worry about what a movie is about when you can just make it about something that was already something?
- Hollywood is populated with 97% wack-o, liberal, bleeding-heart crazy people that want nothing more than to create entertainment that pushes their silent agenda. I learned this from Fox News so it must be a solid, firm fact.
Considering these 2 realities it came as no surprise to us here at Cinemastance when we stumbles upon a handful of reboot movie projects being pitched to the high-up Studio mucky mucks that blatantly attempt to push Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders into the limelight. Let’s call this what it is: Propaganda. Insert poop emoji here.
We combed the entertainment rags. We interviewed script readers. We made things up. All in an attempt to present to you, the Constant Reader, these five remake ideas that awkwardly insert Bernie Sanders into the synopsis.
Bernie’s Millions- Yet another adaptation of the George Barr McCutcheon’s novel Brewster’s Millions. After losing the Democratic nod to Hillary, Bernie receives an anonymous donation of $30 Million dollars from George Clooney. Bernie then mounts a protest campaign urging American voters to vote for “None of the Above”. The script also calls for a talking horse that advises Bernie regarding political strategy to be voiced by the Ghost of John Candy. In the end Bernie gets the girl and “None of the Above” wins the presidency.
Election– Here in a rehash of the 1999 Reese Witherspoon vehicle, Bernie plays teenage girl Tracy Flick. Flick is a successful high school junior running for student body president. Director Gus Van Sant is behind this project and intends to give it his “Psycho” treatment; a shot for shot, line for line remake to illustrate the ultimate in the Creative Lazy Movement. Also attached is Greg Cannom, the makeup wizard that brought the Wayans Brother’s classic White Chicks to vivid life. Please pause to picture Mr. Sanders in White Chick make up and a blond wig playing an overeager girl doing whatever it takes to win the Election.
Weekend at Bernie’s- A remake in name only, unfortunately this does not feature a dead Bernie being traipsed around to optimum comedic satisfaction. There are no Larry and Richard with a lifeless corpse tied to their body cruising the beach, bird doggin’ the ladies. No. This is simply about a very pleasant weekend at the Sanders’ residence. There is a nice dinner party. Cocktails by the pool. A brief discussion about the importance of The Sopranos’ influence on today’s television landscape. [Sample dialogue: Bernie- “Simple. If there were no Sopranos, then no Breaking Bad, no Walking Dead. David Chase set the table for all that is right on the boob tube today and deserves a goddam medal!”] More My Dinner with Andre than Morons Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things.
The Omega Man/I am Legend/The Last Man on Earth/Idiocracy- Here Bernie plays the last sane man on the planet. He is surrounded by albino zealots that want to stay marred in stupidity. Will Smith plays opposite of Bernie as the Other Last Man on Earth. Then the film takes an interesting turn as Bernie becomes president of the albino zealots because he’s the only one that can make sunscreen. Oscar Prediction: Bernie gets the nod and Will Smith bitches about it profusely.
Primary Colors- This is actually not a remake of the 1998 movie where John Travolta played a thinly veiled version of Bill Clinton despite the joy that could come from watching Sanders pretend to be married to a Hillary doppelgänger. Instead, this would be a remake of the 1988 gang war film Colors with a political spin. Bernie and Hillary play bitter rivals Bonecrusher and Lil’ HRC respectively. Both are vying to run the Crip Mob and nothing will get in their way. It isn’t until a punk cop named Pacman guns down an up and coming banger named Q Bert that the two join forces and take down the corrupt LAPD police commissioner played by Donald Trump’s wig.
We only can pray that at least one of these can get the Greenlight and make the multiplexes by November. Why don’t you pick which one you want to see, let us know and we’ll take a page out of the book of Kanye and create a Jumpstart campaign?
