Rocky the Musical will officially open on Broadway in March 2014. That’s Rocky as in “Yo, Adrian,” not Rocky as in “Horror Picture Show”. And here I am always busting Hollywood’s chops for regurgitating the same material over and again while Broadway will literally take ANY popular movie they can get the rights to, slap a couple song-and-dance numbers to it and rake in the Tonys.
The show is produced by Mr. Sly Stallone himself and features a score by the guys that gave us Ragtime. It has already played in Germany under the name Rocky Das Musical and apparently features such hits as “Fight from the Heart,” “Adrian” and “Wenn es weiter regnet”. I’m guessing they will translate that last one into English but I could actually see some entertainment value in leaving it in German.
While this seems crazy to me it really is not very far off from a Spiderman musical written by U2 and directed (initially) by the lady that turned “The Lion King” into a puppet show. Broadway is becoming a Hollywood Bizarro World where movies go to become FABULOUS!! (Jazz Hands wiggling to the sky as you read this please).
I got to thinking; Why not make some suggestions of my own? Ridiculous suggestions that should not be taken seriously but really are not any more crazy than a Rocky Balboa jogging around the stage, shadow-boxing in the air, singing “Philly Pie” (another actual song title).
The Godfather: The Musical Keeping with the 70s classic theme established by “Rocky,” lets entertain this one, shall we? I can see some Gershwin-style action here as Don Corleone belts out “Let’s Make’em an Offer” and a sad ballad called “Slice of Orange, Slice of Life” where the Godfather inserts a wedge of the fruit into his mouth and dances a waltz around a garden only to keel over dead at the end. The lavish Wedding Scene writes itself while Michael’s sudden trip to Sicily and his whirlwind romance with Apollonia cold be told in a lyric less Ballet number. If it’s a hit they can make Part II and Fredo can sing his triumphant song, “I’m Not Dumb, I’m Smart (and I want Respect)”
The Artist: The Instrumental The 2011 French silent film ends with a wondrous, full-blown dance scene. Why not tell the ENTIRE story that way? Sample Lyrics: “……………/…………..”. Told with a black and white set and costumes created in nothing but tones of grey, “The Artist” would transport to back to the Silent Movie Era… again!
Joel Schumacher’s Batman While the misguided “Batman Forever” and the heinous “Batman and Robin” completely failed as actual movies, the day glow scenery and nippled costumes practically scream Broadway Musical. All you need to do is add a couple songs and you’re finished. I suggest you take the “Rock of Ages” route and use pre-existing pop songs from the past. Poison Ivy can saunter to… I don’t know… “Poison Ivy”. Mr. Freeze warbles through “Cold as Ice” and Batman duets “I got You Babe” with Robin. I’m pretty sure Val Kilmer is available if you can squeeze him into the suit.To my amazement, as I went to dig for images for this piece I found that this already sorta exists!!! Not a musical but an “action-packed adventure with stunts, illusions, martial arts, trapeze artists and an all-new Batmobile!” It is called “Batman Live”. Check it out HERE
The Silence of the Lambs: The Musical They keep coming at the Hannibal character from every angle possible (“Hannibal: The Sequel,” “Hannibal: The Prequel” and “Hannibal: The T.V. Series”) then why not this? In all actuality I put this here because I would really love to see a huge choreographed dance number with Buffalo Bill dancing around to “Goodbye Horses” with his manhood tucked between his legs. I would also like to see a song called “It puts the lotion in the basket” sung to the tune of the Fiddler on Roof classic “If I were a Rich Man”.
The Producers I know that this has been done and, in fact, is to blame for the influx of Movie Adapts to Musical craze in the last decade or so but what I’m suggesting is this: Base a New Musical off of the Movie version of the Musical that came out and bombed in 2005. That would make this new adaptation a musical based on the movie musical that was based on a musical that was based on the 1968 Gene Wilder/Zero Mostel comedy. I foresee 20 Tonys for this one.