A Modern (Old) Schwarzenegger is Back for THE LAST STAND

At least the man warned us multiple times. When faced with the ridiculous notion of an Action Flick starring a man in his mid-sixties all that rung through my head was that he continuously told us he would return. He said “I’ll be back” how many times? That’s pretty straightforward and therefore “The Last Stand” should come to no surprise to anyone.

Arnold is Ray Owens (A perfectly ordinary name for someone with a thick Austrian accent), an ex-narcotics agent who now spends his quit days playing sheriff in the sleepy border town of Sommerton, AZ. The entire place is nearly deserted because the local high school football team is playing a championship game miles away causing an exodus of town folk. Ray is expecting a couple of easy days for him and his three bumbling deputies (one of which is the hilarious Luis Guzmán. We missed you!!) but unfortunately there is an escaped fugitive heading to his way to cross the Mexican border.

The convict is Drug Cartel asshole Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) and his plan is to speed to Sommerton in a stolen concept model Camaro (the best way to sneak to Mexico, I find, is by stolen concept car that goes 200 miles an hour. Inconspicuous) and cross a bridge constructed overnight by his Head Henchman named Burrell (Peter Stormare who is the winner for Most Bizarre Accent in a film filled with actors struggling with English as a second language). It’s an incredibly elaborate plan but Cortez was not counting on Sheriff Owens to bring the law and make…..One…..Last……Stand!

“The Last Stand” is a return to the violent sensibilities of Old School Action that may play a touch bizarre in a day where the Gun Culture is under so much fire. My place is not to share those sorts of opinions here but I will say I had a heightened awareness that we are supposed to cheer people getting mowed down by gun spray. But this is a Schwarzenegger movie and it is to be expected and should be embraced by the fans that seek this movie out.

The film is also injected with a fair dose of comedy and does not take itself seriously for a single minute. The moments of self-deprecation that Arnold gives us helps swallow the premise and makes it easier to go on the ride. Looking at the Govenator’s IMDB page it looks like he plans to make this a legitimate comeback with upcoming titles like “The Tomb” and “Ten” already in post-production. If Arnold is looking to be taken seriously, we may have a serious problem.

As for the validity of the Modern (Old) Arnold Schwarzenegger as Badass Hero the best compliment to give the man is that he does not embarrass himself. “The Last Stand” is better than, say, “The Expendables” movies which only serve as nostalgia trips to better days past. Here you will find that the villains secrete the right amount of slime, various objects explode gloriously and many-a bullets fly. And when it comes to Arnie delivering a proper beat down, you can believe it enough to suspend your disbelief. While there is some rust and creak in the bones, The Last Great Action Hero’s return made my inner-eight-year-old very happy.